Toddler Tantrums

Your toddler is in a time of self discovery and self focus and also wanting to be independent. Toddlers can become distressed when they're balancing what they want and feel with what we want them to do.

What a toddler tantrum means

Sometimes everybody’s needs cannot be met. For your toddler, a tantrum can be a normal part of expressing all these feelings, wants and needs. It is their way of saying:

• I don’t like what is happening
• I am struggling to understand what is happening, or needed of me
• This is really hard for me
• I’m feeling unsure 
• Can I have your help?
• This is not what normally happens
• I want to finish this activity
• I can’t cope with these feelings
• Why can’t I do this?

Toddlers are not being naughty or trying to manipulate you. They are not able to fully understand other people’s feelings and are learning how to calm themself. When your toddler is having a tantrum, they can feel scared.

When do toddlers have tantrums?

Toddler tantrums can start at the age of around 1 and are a normal part of development. A 1 or 2 year old tantrum can often be from struggling to communicate.

A 3 or 4 year old tantrum might be because the child is still managing their feelings and learning how to express them. Children usually outgrow tantrums by the time they get to school or even earlier. 

How to avoid toddler tantrums

Although not all toddler tantrums can be avoided, there are some ways to reduce the frequency in some children.

• Have realistic expectations of your toddler’s ability and needs. They're only young and they're still learning about the world.
• Show your toddler love and attention every day. Smile at your toddler and let them know that you enjoy being with them.
• Toddlers thrive on routine so create a predictable world for them. Develop routines and rituals so that your toddler feels safe.
• Use positive language and praise. Avoid saying “no” all the time, instead try saying ‘later or after we do this we can do that’. Notice and comment or smile at them when they do the right thing.
• Limit the amount of activity you do each day. Toddlers need quiet times during the day even if they're not napping anymore.
• Introduce new activities slowly and one at a time. This will give your toddler just enough support to smooth the way to learning new things but won't overwhelm them.
• Try to anticipate and if possible avoid difficult situations or activities for your toddler when they are tired, hungry or unwell. For example, you might avoid going shopping with your toddler when they're tired or hungry. Schedule activities with friends after the nap time so your toddler isn't tired and likely to be overstimulated.
• Pay attention to your toddler’s unspoken/subtle cues so you can help them early. Try to understand what they are feeling and needing.
• Talk to your child about their emotions. You can do this from birth by labelling emotions like saying 'I'm happy, sad or angry'. This will help them identify these emotions in themselves and express them to you when they're old enough. 
• Allow additional time when introducing new tasks or activities. When you don’t have a time pressure, it can help with your own non-verbal or verbal cues and patience. For example if tying shoe laces or getting into the car independently.
• Offer two options, rather than one that your toddler can say “no” to. For example, “do you want to sit on the potty or the big toilet”, rather than “do you want to go to the toilet”?

How to deal with toddler tantrums

Sometimes, no matter how much you try your toddler will still have a tantrum. That is ok, toddler tantrums are normal behaviour for children age 1 - 3. Here are some tips to help you cope:

1. Reflect and tune into your own and your child’s feelings.

• Consider what you are thinking and feeling. It's OK for you to feel anger, embarrassed or exasperated.
• Take a moment to calm down, perhaps take some deep breaths and count backwards from 10. This allows you to notice and respond sensitively to the cues and emotional needs of your child. Your child may be feeling anger, frustration, fear, jealousy or shame and be unable to calm themselves on their own.

2. Reduce the stress

Your toddler doesn't know what to do with their upset feelings and is relying on your experience, wisdom and support to help them. Some options are:

• Stay near them and remain a calm presence.
• Use a calm and soothing voice, repeat calming phrases, keep your volume and pitch low. This is not the time to try to reason with your child, they're too emotional to hear you.
• Use gentle touch as tolerated by your toddler. Some children respond best to being held. Other children dislike being held while they are upset.
• Reduce the stimulation and if necessary take your child to a quieter area.

3. Reframe the behaviour

It can help to see the behaviour as:

• Distressing for your child.
• Not them misbehaving but a call for help.
• A part of normal development.
• Not a time when they can understand instructions.

4. Recognise the stressors

Notice the triggers and think about what caused the build-up of tension. Have a think about whether there were any known triggers and ask yourself if you could have done anything differently earlier to prevent the tantrum. This might help next time. 

5. Respond and learn

As you support your toddler, think about what helps them and what doesn’t help. Ask how can I provide the help my toddler needs, how did that go for my toddler and me.

The calm response to your toddler's distress teaches them that difficult feelings are OK to have and helps them to feel safe when emotions get to much for them.

By having a loving parent help, they will learn to manage emotions as they grow.